Feel the power(point)...

Let me start out by saying that many, many of you have probably forgotten more about Microsoft Office than I'll ever know. I don't make any claim on being an expert or even an advanced user, but I can weave my way through most of the basic functions without causing too much turmoil... Like creating and editing a well-structured memo or building basic spreadsheets.

What I really want to know tonight is how the hell you get to be a GS-12 or higher without being able to put information into a pretty straightforward PowerPoint presentation that someone has taken the time to structure for you. Seriously, all that needed done was adding numbers to replace the "xx/xx" and using actual words to "fill in the blanks." *sigh* And it needed to be done last Friday, not at 11:55 on Wednesday! All I can say in your defense is that you're either too stupid or too lazy to burden the taxpayer. Then again, why would you work when you know someone is going to save your ass at the last minute and do the work for you. I guess there's not much incentive to be an overachiever... Unless more work is its own reward.

It's the 21st century, people... Technology isn't going anywhere. Either figure it out, retire, or get out there and see if you can win us a Darwin Award. Since you're already doing the least you can do, let's make that a stretch goal for the year.

I may not go to heaven, but hope you go to hell. Asshats.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Overpriced...

Most Saturday mornings I end up watching, or at least listening to the business/financial news on Fox (think of them as cartoons for adults). This week, though, I was caught a bit cold by the strident and almost universal opinion of the assembled group of talking heads that federal employees were the most over paid and under worked employees in the country (actually, I think most of the argument was that there were too many feds making over $100,000 a year). To be sure there are those out there that go out of their way to avoid doing much of anything and those people need to go. But for the most part, feds tend to be very highly educated bunch at the senior levels… Masters degrees are the bare minimum in most leadership positions and PhD’s and advanced technical degrees are not uncommon. Add in that the majority of feds have been on the job for more than 15 years and there should be even less surprise that people are climbing towards the top of the pay scale.

Of course one of the things that no one ever thinks about when they make the argument that the workforce is overpaid compared to other large organizations is that over the last 20 years, the feds have contracted out nearly all of the basic labor functions that happen on other organizations. Janitorial, building management, electricians, plumbers, mailrooms, and other functions are performed under contract and don’t lower Uncle Sam’s average salary the same way they do to private sector companies. So, when you’re accounting for only professional, management, technical, and scientific positions within a large organization, I would be interested in seeing how other large organizations stack up. Of course they never talk about that comparison because it’s not interesting.

Don’t get me wrong here, no one likes to bitch and complain about federal waste more than I do, but I don’t need to fudge the numbers to make my argument… I’ll give you examples from real life. I have no problem cutting waste, but I know what I bring home at the end of the week and I’m pretty confident in saying that I’m nowhere near overpaid for what I do. I don’t see anyone from the private sector knocking down the doors to come take my job, so until I do I’m afraid Fox’s big brains and I are going to have to part company on this issue.

Long haul...

Driving long distances by yourself tend to lend itself to thinking deeply about things that usually don’t occupy much time. It occurred to me yesterday that I’ve officially lived here in Memphis for three years now. Of course I’ve really been here about six months longer than that, but for purposes of keeping the official record, I’ve decided not to count time spent living in a hotel in that figure. Buying a house seems to be the definitive announcement that you have arrived somewhere and are digging in for the long fight. The ironic thing is that I really never had any intention of staying here as long as I have. I had planned on coming to Memphis, picking up a promotion or two, making a quick buck on a house that should appreciate, and heading back to the DC area in a year or two and get back to my life. The first part of that plan worked out fairly well at least.

The recession and housing collapse have seen to it that the second part of the plan wouldn’t work out as I had envisioned. And, as usual, something unexpected happened… I got comfortable here. That’s not to say that I love Memphis as that would be an outright lie. Memphis is a necessary evil much like every other city I’ve ever lived or worked in. But the ridiculously low cost of living, relative ease of getting around, and ability to get “back east” within a day’s drive or a three hour flight have really made me question whether I’m willing to go back to DC… and the two bedroom condo and three hour round trip commute that I would find there. The fact is that I rather like getting to the house 30-minutes after leaving the office.

I dearly miss the proximity to power that you can only find in DC and given my druthers, Memphis would have a more sophisticated feel and figure out a way to get itself unstuck from 1953, but for the foreseeable future, I think I’ve slowly come to accept that I’m going to be here… Until something comes along back east that’s just too good to pass up. So if anyone up there is in need of a slightly used logistician/process improver/policy writer/strategist let me know.

Use-or-Lose...

It’s that time of year again when the pace of things at the federal government grinds to a halt and nearly everyone with more that four or five years on the job has visions of the next two weeks off dancing in their heads. It’s use-or-lose leave season in the federal government and that means for all practical purposes, the bureaucracy ceases to function in any meaningful way. The burning of excess leave is one of the great traditions of government employees and I’m happy to be partaking once again this holiday season.

Occasionally, though, you run into a problem during this time of year; an issue that someone thinks just can’t wait until after the start of the new year. That’s when the endless round of phone tag and a steady stream of email interrupts what you were sure was going to be two weeks of rest and relaxation. There’s really not a tactful way to tell people to bugger off, but I’m going to try my best to do it for two weeks starting tomorrow afternoon around 3:30.

As a rule, I do my damndest to avoid contacting people when they are on leave, If I drop them an email, it’s for something they’ll need to know when they get back to the office, not something they should be working on when they are burning vacation time. I’ll never object to answering a few emails here and there or even returning an occasional phone call while I’m gone… But I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I’m going to spend any more than the barest minimum amount of time thinking about or doing work while I’m gone. So, if you want the cheap and easy answer to your questions, ask me sometime in the next 16 days… or if you want the well-developed and articulated answer, give me a call on January 4^th and I’ll give it something close to my full attention.

Until then, I encourage those calling on official business to please leave a message and I’ll return your call in the order in which it was received… eventually.

Changing plans...

One of the great aspects of my job is it has allowed me to see places and things I would have never seen otherwise. The down side of that, of course, is that you sometimes have very little control over where you go or when you go there. I had already planned on being back on the greater DC/Maryland area for the better part of a week for Christmas. Now, thanks to Uncle Sam, I'll be spending next week in Northern Virginia as well. It's not that I have any problem with being there, but it would just be nice if I weren't going to be making two 1800 mile round-trips in the next three weeks.

The good news is that I've got a posh hotel in Old Town within a block-and-a-half radius of two of my favorite Irish pubs. I guess life could be worse. If anyone's looking for me, there's a fair chance you'll find me at Pat Troy's! I might even manage to get some work done while I'm in town.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Good enough for government work...

At least by one assertion the phrase “good enough for government work,” was coined at an ammunition plant and signified that the product met or exceeded all technical specifications and was suitable for delivery to the federal government for issue to the Army. Then again, that was the 40s and at the time government set standards were generally in excess of those commonly in use by industry. Now, of course, Good Enough defines the Dilbert-esq incompetence and indifference that the federal government labors under.

For the record, being Good Enough defines my entire goal for the rest of this week. On Friday morning, Good Enough gets the certificate as the honor graduate. So, here’s the deal: I’ll sit here quietly and not cause too many problems and you’ll give me that piece of paper at the end of the week… Then we’re going to go our separate ways and pretend that none of this actually happened. Good enough?

The morning’s lesson ran two hours over and all I got out of it was this lousy post…

I’m not necessarily an expert in educational theory, but I picked up enough of it getting my undergrad to know that following the same research, brief, research brief, research format for three weeks tends to become less effective over time. “Inquiry Based Learning” is a fine idea and probably works well enough most of the time, but in swinging the pendulum away from the traditional training model, it doesn’t account for those actually learn from listening to Subject Matter Experts or simply by reading the text and discussing the issues. Effectively, it simply changes the type of learner that will most benefit within the training environment. Sure, you’ve picked up some of the outliers on one side of the spectrum, but you’ve lost those on the other side.

I guess what I’m saying is that mostly I just want you to tell me what information you need me to read, process, and discuss and then bugger off while I do that. I don’t need a team, or a group, or a gaggle or flock to make that happen. Really, all those extra people are going to do is slow me down. I’ve become an extremely effective army of one and I promise when I need additional help, I’ll ask for it. Until then, I’d be much happier if you would just stay the hell out of my way. You’re not going to change my mind about what style I personally find more effective so you can stop giving me the hard sell. I’m not buying.

It’s a relief to know that unless my career trajectory takes a radical departure from its current course, this is effectively my last long course I’ll need to take. The rest I can pick up in week-long chunks or online and all I’ll need to focus on is keeping my certifications current. Ultimately, the brain will only retain what the ass can endure… and at the moment, my ass is just plain worn out. The only thing that matters now is punching that ticket, checking one more box, and then clearing the hell out.

P.S. It’s interesting that one of the “coaches” commented on the need for better time management this morning, but that the morning’s instructor led session ran two hours over schedule. Go figure.

Only week three? Seriously? Uggg.

Today starts week three in the hotel and it’s not so much that I really miss Memphis or anything about it, but I really am starting to miss having all my crap in one place. Even with the volume of clothes, electronics, and sundry other goods I take on the road with me, there doesn’t seem to be a day that I don’t need to go somewhere to pick up something I either forgot or didn’t realize I needed until it wasn’t here. I use to be pretty good at living out of suitcases, but more and more it’s become just another of life’s annoyances. Add that the colossal waste of time that this class has turned out to be and the disturbing array of alleged leaders I’ve been dealing with and it’s remarkable that no one has barred the doors and set the building aflame. Seriously. It would be a welcome change of pace from listening to this bunch flounder about all day.

So, it looks like I’m going to be in a progressively more antagonistic mode for each of the next 12 days. I’m actually a bit curious to find how far I can push some of these people before they finally snap. After skipping out on today’s session, I’m pretty sure I can expect a warm welcome in the morning. A tweak here, a nudge there, and maybe I can get someone to explode. That would be entertaining for a few minutes and it would certainly break up the day. I mean, after all, what’s the point of being part of a team if you can’t deal with conflict, right?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Forming, Storming… and that’s about as far as we’re going to get…

OK, “Team” Four, I’m going to be perfectly honest with you here. We’re not a team. We’re barely even a group. Maybe the most generous description is that we are a bunch of people sitting in the same room chatting from time to time and occasionally tinkering with a few PowerPoint slides.

Realistically, I’m not at all sure that giving a few sentences of explanation, four hours, and a group completely unwilling to trust the actual technical expert in their midst is the best way to ensure that we develop a well researched, articulate, fully-justified, and detailed analysis of an issue. Of course deciding to change direction completely at 4:30 on Friday afternoon is not necessarily a constructive use of time, either.

With that said, I want to let you know that I’m done with the unpaid overtime racking up while we sit with our thumbs up our collective 4^th points of contact. So in general, I need you to stop being jerkoffs and get your expectations a little more aligned with reality. Otherwise, I’m pretty much finished with the lot of you.

Another "Dear Colleagues..."

Dear Colleagues,

I understand the concept of strategic thinking may be new to you and that you may not be use to looking at the interconnectedness of world events from the perspective our both our allies and our adversaries. I get that this is new for you and I even get that it’s not something that everyone will ever do for a living. By the same token, you need to come to terms with the fact that you don’t have a bleeding clue what you’re doing and leave the heavy lifting to the people with the big brains.

I certainly am not claiming to have all the answers or even to be the finest strategist in the room, but I recognize my own limitations and make allowances accordingly. You, on the other hand, seem doomed to second guess yourselves ad infinitum and to work into the late hours of the evening drafting and redrafting a presentation that by the instructors own admission they are going to cut to pieces no matter how well developed the ideas it contains. Here’s a hint: that friendly comment was their way of telling you not to stress over it too much, because it’s just a first effort and bound to be full of holes.

So, in the future, I would encourage you to try to get your shit together - Particularly when you have six hours to put together what will end up being a five slide, 10 minute presentation – because I’m going to continue leaving at 1700 on the nose, finished or not. I simply do not have the time, energy, or inclination to waste covering the same ground three or four times each day.

Thank you for your attention.

Very respectfully,

Jeff

JAX...

Usually my best gripes and complaints come from the road. At the moment, that well is pretty dry. We spent most of today going over paper work and doing some preliminary reading for tomorrow. We have an early start tomorrow at 6:45, though, so that could be something getting lined up. TDY isn't about getting up early, or rather it shouldn't be. So yeah, tomorrow looks to be the marathon day of this trip. If we can wrap it up by having more answers that questions, I'll consider the day a success. Then it's back to Memphis for the next round and to start getting the heavy duty report put together. Should be fun.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Innovate this *makes rude gesture*…

One of the hardest things about being married to the work is that from time to time you have to face the fact that some project you’ve been working on for a long time just flat out sucks… that it needs to be scrapped… and that you need to take it in a completely different direction. It’s even harder when you’re so close to the project that you need a contractor to be a disinterested third party and break the bad news. Happily, the ship isn’t sinking and just needs a course correction, but it’s not something any PM wants to hear.

We’re going to wrap up the review tomorrow and I’m sure we’ll uncover a few more things that need to be addressed when we rework things over the summer. The hardest part is going to be reminding myself that I can’t be the action officer on all of these changes… Anyone want to take a swing at guessing how good I am at handing off my babies and letting someone else work out the details?

A million and one things…

There are a million and one things that I should be doing this morning. Most of them pertain directly to preparing for the five project teams I’ve going coming in over the next two weeks to work on three different deliverables. But here I sit, keeping up with Mafia Wars, Facebook updates, the Drudge Report, and jotting down some ideas for a personal project that I have been kicking around for the last few weeks.

Some might say that I have a perfectionist streak or that I too often expect things to go as they are supposed to, but really, I’ve never expected more from anyone else than what I expect from myself. And while I’ve been successful over the last year at cutting way back on the 10 or 12-hour days, I think the quality of my production has probably improved.

I know I do good work… self-doubt has never been one of my afflictions. The masters I serve know I do good work, too, which is why the “hard to do” usually finds its way to my desk. Although I may complain of being given unreasonable timelines and too few resources, it’s rare that we don’t find a way to pull off the improbable or at least reach the 80% solution.

I’m not vain in the conventional sense… all I’ve ever asked for is a little recognition for making the improbable possible. When you’re told you are most worthy of that recognition, but that politically it’s impossible to reach that outcome, well, it gives one pause. It makes me wonder if maybe “good enough” is actually good enough and it certainly makes me question the need to continue delivering on time and on target… or perhaps I’m tilting at my own windmills.

If I seem slightly bitter, there’s probably a reason for that. I’ve never claimed to be entitled, but in head-to-head competition I’ll put my record against anyone and believe it will stand… if only the adjudication and application of criteria is impartial. When it’s not, I have to wonder what the hell we’re doing here anyway.

The gray flannel suit...

For someone who has always valued the solidity of a good plan, I’m actually a little disturbed at how competent I’ve become in the art of just winging it. I wouldn’t say I was unprepared for the project that I was working on today, as I helped put most of the groundwork for it in place three years ago… But as far as any actual special prep work for today’s session, I hadn’t spent a lick of time preparing or even thinking about it. Maybe it’s some kind of auto-pilot for career bureaucrats. Whatever the case, I’m pleased to report that it almost sounds like we have half a plan put together and that we are closer now to the future than we’ve ever been before. Now all I need to do is survive three more days with the contractors without bludgeoning myself into unconsciousness. In all seriousness, they’re good at what they’re doing, but it’s a tune I’ve heard before and it seems the further I get along into my career the less I’m interested in how people are going to do things and the more I just want to see them getting done on time. Color me a man in a gray flannel suit.

Revelation…

I don’t generally think of myself as the boss. I’m a good old fashioned action officer. I get tasks, I churn them out, and then I move on. That’s why it came as a bit of a shock to the system this afternoon that while I was sitting in an impromptu meeting this afternoon someone made an offhand comment to the effect of “you’re the boss.” I demurred with a roll of my eyes and a typical “yeah, right.” No, she insisted, “it’s your project, you really are the boss.” There was no burning bush or anything, but it was like one of those Old Testament moments of revelation… At least in my little corner of the universe, I’m not just the guy who’s supposed to get the job done; now I’m supposed to be using other people to get other jobs done too. Honestly I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. I know I can play well with others when I have to, but my strong preference is to be an army of one. So much for personal preference, I suppose.

St. Thomas

I didn't really make it anywhere fun last spring and have decided to make up for that by taking a rather spur of the moment trip to St. Thomas at the end of the month. A week of sun, sand, blue water, and rum is likely just what the doctor ordered to start getting out of my traditional winter funk. Add in pleasant company and it should be a real event. With only 13 days left in the count, it can't get here fast enough. I'm not saying I'm the hardest working man in showbusiness, but I think I'm overdue for a break (and no, three week training classes don't count as a break)!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Expectations...

The problem with being good is that it conditions people to expect good things from you. I use to work with a guy, back when I was touching America’s youth, who was fond of reminding me to “set your goals low and achieve them.” Some days I wonder if I shouldn’t have applied that advice. I’ve never minded long hours or short deadlines and I’ve never backed off from the challenging projects, but sometimes I do worry that I have raised the bar of expectation a bit too high. I’m always game to throw in and get the job done, but damn don’t I hate pulling the fat out of the fire for someone who is apparently not subject to expectations of, you know, actually being able to do his job. Seriously, some days I wish I could tolerate the sloth of it all. Oh, and just for the record, it’s not that I have problems with authority… It’s that I have problems with people in positions of authority who have been promoted way, way beyond their level of competence. Then again, maybe I should just start fouling up every project I touch so they’ll promote me again. Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Anniversary…

Today is the six year anniversary of my going to work for Uncle Sam. Like every other recent milestone lately, I’ve been struck by how quickly it came up. Six years isn’t one of the normal milestone years that end up being divisible by five, but it does mean that I am basically one fifth of the way through my career and that I’ve now spent more than twice as long doing this as I spent doing what I was studied to do in college (which also seems like a long, long time ago by the way). I’ve had a good run so far, which is a tribute more to the supervisors and colleagues I’ve had more than to my own native abilities. For anyone who followed my blog on MySpace and now here, you’ll know that I haven’t always been happy with it and I’ve often left the office fuming over some perceived slight or professional failure. Though it’s not always plain from the outside, I can honestly say that despite it all, I’ve always been proud of the job I’ve done. Hopefully the next six will be even better… Although a little less time on the road would be ok too.