Based on my own unscientific observation, I am concerned that be running against those of us who can put together a coherent thought and express it in one or more complete sentences? It is my conclusion that one of the pitfalls of modernity is that we have prevented Darwin from exacting his pound of flesh from those who are ill equipped for life in a technologically advanced world. To remedy this problem, I modestly proposed the following:
Effective immediately all warning labels will be removed from household appliances, clothing, and any other item that is currently listed on the master stock record of Wal-Mart headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas. Directions on proper usage of these items will continue to be included inside the box or printed on the packaging/tag as appropriate for the item. Hazard data sheets and warnings will be made available by request via the internet in downloadable/printable pdf format accessible either from home or at any public library in the United States for any and all who request them. Person or persons who are killed, maimed, wounded, or otherwise harmed by these products while using them in contravention of the accompanying directions will automatically forfeit their right to seek compensation from Wal-Mart, the government of the nation, state, county or local government of jurisdiction, the product manufacturer, or any other person or entity. Thereby, each consumer has the burden of educating themselves on the proper use and potential hazards of using any product in their possession. Warnings such as “do not operate heavy equipment” while taking particularly sleep-inducing drugs will continue to appear on labels as before. The objective is for the morons to show themselves and suffer the consequences, not have them start tying up the highways and byways of the country because no one told them not to start their breakfast off with a double shot of codeine and orange juice. If we’re lucky, many will try to get a jump on blow-drying their hair while in the tub, but if the majority are only maimed or disfigured, at least that would give the rest of us the opportunity to see them, establish a perimeter, and hold them at a minimum safe distance.
Cold? Possibly. Extreme? Probably. But essentially, my simple request is that we allow Mr. Darwin to get back to the business at hand and start thinning the herd. If we fail to act swiftly and decisively, I fear the tide will unyieldingly turn against us and the great sweep of human history will shortly begin its long march back towards the primordial ooze. And really, what better way to let humanity be served than to allow individuals to self-select their fate?
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